Sunday, December 13, 2009
He was always in his room writing those things, never with people. I used to tell him, what good is all of that love doing on paper? I said, let love write on you for a little. But he was so stubborn. Or perhaps he was only timid.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I've been spending a lot of time trying to wish things into existence lately. The relationships I want, the intimacy, the money, the job, the dreams. I spend alot of time envisaging these little fantasies, fictional conversations and scenarios in my head. Even in these little reveries I still manage to fuck it up from time to time. Honestly, who, when they can play out any internal projection they want, chooses to imagine their own failure? FML yo'.
History keeps repeating itself, I keep falling, no, plummeting into old habits and making carbon copies of my mistakes, over and over again. If I haven't learnt by now, I don't know if I ever will.
Casual dating is for chumps. I am a chump.
Sleeping all day is for jerks. I am a jerk.
Spending money that isn't yours is irresponsible. I am irresponsible.
Accidently leaving you freezer door open when you go on a trip is plain idiotic. I am an idiot. Twice over.
In other news, I quit uni. I quit big time.
Hopefully next year I'll find something I can stick to, something I can stand.
Also I think I may have developed a smoker's cough. Not that I smoke. Is that possible? I think I need some friends that care about the state of my lungs.
I can't get to sleep, there is a Koala outside my window, and it won't stop fucking grunting. I know it's mating season, but sorry Mr Koala, you're grunting up the wrong tree, I simply don't swing that way.
I'm all over the place, all over the shop. My apologies, whoever you are.
p.s incase I forget, happy holidays a little present for you.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
OR - we can stay friends, keep teaching eachother what it means to be in completely different places all the time, learning to laugh at ourselves more and more, swaping new favourite bands, knowing exactly what the other is thinking and never spilling a word. You're so kind sometimes, and it always surprises me because, I mostly remember the times you've broken my heart or lied for no reason, you rude bastard. Made me cry more times than I care to remember.
But still I love you, not always in same way as before. I know you do love me, I heard you whisper it one night when you thought I'd fallen asleep before you, but the truth is, whenever I sleep over I can't fall asleep before I've heard your soft snores murmuring in my ear.
Plus, you're beautiful, or handsome, I should say. Do people tell you that? Your girlfriends, for example? The way you move is AMAZING. And the lines of your body too. You should get that tattoo, I wouldn't be able to stop myself then. Are you blushing yet?
I love you!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Everything is so lovely here. I wish you were here to share it.
"Do you ever get scared?” I asked; I traced my fingers along the sand.
“Of what?” you replied; you made mountains out of the grains.
“Of everything” I answered; I buried my fingers in between yours .
“Yes” you whispered; you crushed each mound we made.
“Do you ever wish you were someone else?” I asked; I tasted the water with my toes.
“Forever, or just for a day?” you replied; you dived in the waves head first.
“Forever” I answered; I cupped the white caps in my hands.
“Yes” you whispered; you wiped the salt water from your eyes.
“Do you ever get up but not wake up?” I asked; I held my shoes in one hand.
“In the morning or in the night?” you replied; you held your arms out to keep your balance.
“Anytime of day” I answered; I walked barefoot along the pier.
“Yes” you whispered; you fell off the edge and rippled the water.
“Do you ever say you love someone, when you don't?” I asked; I tried to count the stars.
“Anyone, or you?” you replied; you picked a thread from my jeans.
“Me” I answered; I closed my eyes and swallowed.
“yes” you whispered; you held your hand out and cried when I still took it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Where I can’t form sentences, that mean anything but nothing.
Because I can’t think.
Because all of my thoughts are swollen with my own problems.
Things that I don’t want to write about.
Things that I’m too scared to write about.
Because truth is a delicate game.
And I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I never ever wanted to hurt anyone.
And even here, and now, my words get poisoned with my distractions.
I don’t want you to know anything, other than I’m sorry.
And if I had a choice, I would choose not to be here either.
We’d all be better off, wouldn’t we?
I want that so badly. I want everything that the storybooks promised us.
I want each moment, and each lie, captured and framed.
I can’t leave here. Not yet.
Maybe I don't want to understand. I want to be alive. Not forever, just for now.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I’ve always hated unnecessary lies and the people who make them, but lately I’m finding it increasingly hard to even be honest with myself.
The sad truth is that I’m not a child anymore, and I have to sleep in the bed that I have so uncomfortably, and sometimes poorly, made for myself. I’m tall enough to open up the pantry door and feed myself, wise enough to use matches and light fires, and old enough to answer the door to strangers and let them into my life. Soon I’ll have to vote and start paying taxes, get a decent job, buy a house, maybe find a suitable male and squeeze out a few kids while I’m at it. And honestly, because I am being completely honest aren’t I, this has me totally and utterly fucking terrified.
Out of the fry pan, and into the fire.
I’m finally starting to step out of my own little bubble of optimism and naivety, and am beginning to realise that not everyone has my best interests at heart. I’m not saying everyone has it in for me, far from it; it’s just that, above all we all count ourselves as number one and it’s taken me a more than a little while to come to grips with this.
We’re self obsessed, financially irresponsible and flick erratically between sexual repression and reckless hedonism. On the surface we’re ‘totally not cool’ with racism, bigotry, gender stereotypes or repression of any sort. Underneath it all we still harbour watered down versions of our parent’s views, doused heartily in layers of guilt and self reproach. That’s what the theorists say about us anyway, and probably our therapists too. We are Gen Y, and we are lost. Plus, we can’t keep our shit together.
Down the stairs from your apartment
We lingered by your driveway gate
I didn't quite know what would be too much
Or just enough
But I knew
I wanted to
We ran out of things to say goodbye about
So I shut up and you kissed me on the mouth
I snagged a couple more as I walked through that door
And then I waved
Sunday, June 21, 2009
It's not always me.
I hate the politics of people and relationships, the way everything needs defining, the rules and regulations that we mandatorily impose on one another. The way things become so final kills me. Why can't I call you up anymore when I have news? Last night I saw a movie that reminded me of someone I used to know. I wanted so badly to message them, to tell them all about it, but I knew I couldn't, that I wasn't 'allowed to'. Well why the fuck not? We're both adults, I have your number, it's been 2 fucking years now.
I'm too old for this.
I have no real reason to be sad. Or angry. People have hurt me, and god knows I've hurt them back. I guess Karma and I are on an even kilter right now. In person I never really let anyone see me anything but joyful. I tend to bottle things up, not because I don't have the words or the ability to communicate my heart, but because I hate putting people out, making them feel awkward. And I suppose if I'm honest because I can't stand owing anything to anyone.
I wish I wasn't so proud.
This train of thought is failing me. Linear thought is my weakness, I can never stay on point.
I'm going to go pour myself a drink.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I really should stop eating so much cheese before going to bed.