Linear thinking doesn't come easily

Sometimes I think about dying. I think about using it as revenge, I think about using it to make people love me more, or again, but then I realise how fucking ridiculous I am, that if I couldn't make someone care while I was alive, then I sure as hell can't make someone care while I'm dead.
It's not always me.

I hate the politics of people and relationships, the way everything needs defining, the rules and regulations that we mandatorily impose on one another. The way things become so final kills me. Why can't I call you up anymore when I have news? Last night I saw a movie that reminded me of someone I used to know. I wanted so badly to message them, to tell them all about it, but I knew I couldn't, that I wasn't 'allowed to'. Well why the fuck not? We're both adults, I have your number, it's been 2 fucking years now.
I'm too old for this.

I have no real reason to be sad. Or angry. People have hurt me, and god knows I've hurt them back. I guess Karma and I are on an even kilter right now. In person I never really let anyone see me anything but joyful. I tend to bottle things up, not because I don't have the words or the ability to communicate my heart, but because I hate putting people out, making them feel awkward. And I suppose if I'm honest because I can't stand owing anything to anyone.
I wish I wasn't so proud.

This train of thought is failing me. Linear thought is my weakness, I can never stay on point.

I'm going to go pour myself a drink.

Lover, you shouldn't have come over.

Last night I had a dream that we hadn't seen each other in months and months. I spy you from across the room of a dark club, one like all the others. We makes those sad half smiles old lovers make, and then I lift up my hand telling you to hold still a minute. I order two Sidecars and make my way over to you. You go to kiss me on the cheek, but I pull away. I whisper something in your ear, then we cling to one another, a slow lung crushing hug. I kiss you on the cheek, run my hand over your hair. You say you've missed me. I take a sip of my drink, hand it to you, and walk away.

I really should stop eating so much cheese before going to bed.